Sand Castle: Chapter 6

The entire morning, Tom was standing by the window, with his eyes pointed at the grey sky. The rain that started to fall this morning ruined our simple plan to spend the day on the beach. Why did it have to rain today? We had perfect sunny weather all week.

We both needed a day to relax from walking and sightseeing, and Rimini is a very interesting town, full of rich history and stunning architecture. There is always something new and fascinating to discover.

"The temperatures have dropped, it's chilly," I said, and I embraced him.

"Are you cold? Do you want a shirt with long sleeves?" Tom asked me.

No, I was not cold. How could I be cold in the middle of July? I just wanted to hold him, but he quickly found among his clothes a blue plaid shirt with long sleeves, and he gave it to me.

"Here, put my shirt on. It will warm you up!"

"Thank you!" I said.

"You were mocking me, but you see, it's smart to take on holiday clothes for all weather conditions."

"Yes, you were right, and I was wrong. I'll remember that for my next trip," I said, not telling him I had plenty of clothes for weather like this.

I would have survived without his blue plaid shirt, and if the weather was freezing, but I'm not sure how I'll survive after Tom goes home next week. I wish someone had warned me about the love before I gave him my whole heart.

"In a weather like this, we can do absolutely nothing. We can't go to the beach like we wanted to, we can't go sightseeing, we can't go to a park..." Tom said with disappointment.

"I think you're wrong, Tom. There are a number of things we can do. We can watch movies, listen to music, we have a lot of books to read, and you can sing me your songs..." I tried to cheer him up.

"I'm singing to you my songs all week, aren't you tired of them?"

"No, I will never get tired of your songs!"

"I have a better idea! For a change, I want to see you acting."

"No way! I've already told you I don't know any monologues or poems in English."

"It doesn't matter, you can act in any language you want."

"No!"

"Please, Nina. To see you acting, I'll do everything you want. If it's unnecessary, I'll go down on my knees and beg you."

"No!"

"I'll never sing a single song to you in the future if you don't tell me a monologue or something else by your choice. I must see you acting."

Tom sat next to me on the bed, and he looked at me with his beautiful eyes, expecting me to start immediately, and I've never been this nervous in my life. With sweaty hands and a heart beating like crazy, I stood in front of him for a few minutes, not knowing where to begin. If I were this nervous at my audition for college, they would have never accepted me.

Finally, I started with Adele's monologue from "The House of Bernarda Alba" by Lorca. I had that monologue for my audition in college. Without understanding a word, and without blinking, Tom watched me with great interest. After I finished, he clapped his hands.

"Oh, my God, you are brilliant! You are a full package, Nina! You are so talented, so beautiful, and so smart. Nina, you have it all! One day, you'll be a huge star! Listen to me when I tell you! Sorry! Please, continue!"

Did Tom call me a talented actress right now? I have heard these words from others before, but when they come from Tom, they sound different, and they mean more to me.

"Do you speak French?" I asked him after I finished with every monologue and poem I knew in Croatian.

"No."

"That's such a shame. I know a few poems by Prevert..."

"Please, I'd like to hear them! Wow, you speak French too?"

"A little."

"Nina, you are extraordinary!"

"Tom, I'm sorry I wasn't totally honest with you. I know a few things in English."

"I knew it! I knew that you know some monologues in English. I can't believe you've been lying to me all this time. Shame on you, Nina!"

"I've learned a few things in English, just in case if one day someone calls me for an audition in London."

"They will be fools if they don't!"

"I have a monologue from "Macbeth" by Shakespeare, but there is a rule for young actors: it's not smart to go on an audition with Shakespeare unless you are auditioning for his play."

"Someone as talented as you can break all the rules."

"I'm dying one day to play Adele in "The House of Bernarda Alba", and Lady Macbeth in "Macbeth". Lorca is my favorite playwright."

I knew four monologues and over ten poems in English, and even more in French. Tom was happy while he was watching me, and I would do anything to please him. My stage fright somehow disappeared, but I was tired. I was acting for over two hours.

"That's all," I said at the end.

"Nina, I can't find words to express what I think about your enormous talent. I mean it! You can play anything. I don't understand the words, but you are equally good in comedy and drama. Not many actors can do that. And when you're reciting the poems, you're doing it with so many emotions..."

"Thank you, now it's my turn to ask for anything I want from you."

"Okay! A promise is a promise. Just first, give me some time to put myself together after what I saw."

"I think you know well what I want, Tom."

"Yeah, I think I know!" he said, and he started to unbutton his shirt.

"Hey, what are you doing?"

"Isn't this what you want?" he continued, teasing me.

"No. I want you to take your guitar and sing me all your songs."

"Oh, that is what you want. I thought you wanted something else from me," he said with laughter.

"What else could I want from you

"All this time, I was convinced that you invited me to your room to keep me as a sex slave, but now I see I was wrong. It's not the sex why I'm here."

"No, I'm sorry to disappoint you. You are here for your songs."

"Okay, let's be serious."

"I am serious."

"After I saw how talented you are, I felt I should quit music and choose a career in a different field. I'm an anti-talent for music."

"That's not true. Tom, you know what I think about you and your music. The only real talent in this room is you."

"Do you like my songs that much?"

"Yes. How many times do I need to repeat that? If I were living in New York, I would have never missed your concert."

"Lucky me! I have my first fan."

We switched seats, and he began to sing. By now, I've learned parts of his songs by heart, and I can sing them with him. For the past two hours, I didn't know if I enjoyed his voice more or watching him.

"Thank you for the wonderful concert."

"You're welcome anytime."

"I'm feeling obliged to pay you for your singing."

"What?" Tom said, confused, not understanding what I meant.

"Come here."

I showed him with my hand to come to bed. In a way, I was happy because it was raining today, and we stayed in our room. Rainy days are perfect for staying at home and making love with the one you love.

"Did you pay me for the previous concert?" he said with a smile while we lay naked in bed.

"I think I did. But you own me for my acting."

"It will be my pleasure to pay you anytime you want."

"Okay. Later."

"Nina, you are so serious. What are you thinking of?"

"Your songs."

"What about them? Did you stop liking them?"

"No, never! I wondered, all your songs are sad, about a broken heart. When I listen to them, I feel that all of them are written for only one girl. I'm just wondering, what inspired you to write them? Is there a girl in your life who broke your heart?"

"Yes, there is a girl with brown eyes and dark brown hair who broke my heart," Tom said after some time.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked you. That was a very personal question..."

"It's okay, you can ask me anything. I met this girl when I was eighteen. I was a fool to believe that she was the one, and we'd stay together forever, but nine months later, she left me for my best friend. They are still together."

"Well, he wasn't much of a friend to you."

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

"Are they still your friends?"

"No, but sometimes I see them at parties, of our mutual friends."

"Have you been in love with other girls beside her?"

"There were other girls in my life, but I never loved anyone the way I loved her. I wish I could love again, but I can't. After her, I've never been in a relationship longer than three months."

What if our hearts truly love only once in a lifetime? I don't know much; I'm too young to have an answer to that question, but everyone says it's true. There is someone in everyone's life that will damage you for life. There is always someone who will not love you back, someone who will break your heart, and nothing will be the same again. What if Tom gave all his love to this girl, and he'd never love again?

I've changed my mind. I hate this day and the rain that is falling. If it wasn't raining, we wouldn't be in our room having this conversation. I wish I never found out about the girl who gave him the wounds he can't heal. Now I know why he picked me out of all the beautiful girls on the beach. It's because I have brown eyes and dark brown hair, and I'm reminding him of her. How stupid I was to believe that he might love me a little. For Tom, I was just entertainment for his lonely nights. Next week when he goes home, he'll forget me, and he'll break my heart. As that girl has damaged him for life, he will ruin me.

Tom saw in my eyes the pain he caused with his honesty. I'm a horrible liar for an actress. I can't lie, I can't pretend, and I can't hide my feelings. Acting is not about lying to the audience and pretending, but it's about being the character you're playing. Tom probably regretted it too because he told me the truth about his ex-girlfriend. If he hadn't told me, now we would have a great time, instead of lying next to each other without saying a word.

"What about you? With your look, you must be a real heartbreaker. I am still surprised by how I am the first guy you had sex with," Tom tried to break the unpleasant silence.

"My family and my friends are teasing me that I'm already married, to the theatre. And they have a right at some point. In my life, there was never a place for another love, but the theatre."

Why am I such a bitch? Why did I say these words when they were not true? I'm just a human being, and I'm not an idiot. I know that love is everything in our lives. If I don't have the person I love next to me, but if I have everything else, if I have a fortune, fame, career, if I have the entire world, I would still have nothing.

Tom was honest with me, but why couldn't I be honest with him? Why haven't I told him that the boys I liked before were never into me? The boys usually think I'm boring, and they can't understand my passion for acting. Last year, the boy I liked gave me an ultimatum: to give up on acting first, or he'd never go on a date with me.

I have an even more interesting story about my first kiss. I was sixteen, and I'd known this guy for years. One day, he politely asked me, "Can I kiss you?" All excited, I said "Yes," and we kissed. Most people would describe their first kiss as something sensational, but mine was nothing like that. I felt absolutely nothing. After he kissed me, he looked me in the eye, and with a smile, he said, "Can I fuck you?" Yes, he said that. I couldn't believe what I heard. For a few minutes, I stood there, in a state of total shock, and then I ran away from him. I know, this sounds unbelievable, but these kinds of things are happening only to me.

"Nina, do you want me to sing you the songs from my favorite artists?" Tom said, trying to change the subject. "They're not pathetic like mine."

"No."

"If the rain stops, we should go somewhere for dinner. For lunch, we had only bread, olive oil, and tomatoes from our landlady's garden. We should have a proper dinner. We can't every evening order a pizza."

"We are in Italy, where the pizza is a proper dinner."

I got out of the bed, and I went to the bathroom. I locked the door, and I looked at myself in the mirror. Why was I acting like this? Everyone has a past. Today, the little children in the kinder garden are having girlfriends and boyfriends. My mother didn't mind my father's past. She didn't mind that he was married to another woman before her, and he had a child. My father's past didn't stop them from being happy, and my parents are the happiest couple I know.

Or maybe it's not Tom's past that bothers me. I was deeply hurt because he didn't feel anything for me, and he will never love me the way I love him. He will always love that girl. I was hurt because I knew that every time he looks at me, he sees her in me and he thinks of her.

But Tom is completely different from all the guys I know. I should be happy and grateful to have met him. He is the most wonderful guy I have ever met, and he gave me the time of my life. So what was I doing? I should stop acting like a jealous bitch. Instead, I should immediately go back to the room and apologize for my behavior. I should try to forget the conversation we had earlier, and I should enjoy every moment with Tom because it's hard to find a guy like him.

The rain stopped while I was in the bathroom. I took my new yellow and blue dress, which I was keeping for a special occasion, and I put make-up on. When I returned to the room, I found Tom sitting on the bed with a broken heart.

"Tom, let's go to a restaurant and have a proper dinner. But let's make one thing clear: tonight, I'm taking you where I want, we'll do what I say, and I'll pay for everything."

"Okay!"

Five minutes later, Tom was dressed in a yellow plaid shirt and jeans. He wanted to leave the room as soon as possible. I guess he was afraid that I would change my mind, and we'd stay in our room. I asked him out, but I had no idea where we to go, or what to do.

"Look, we are both wearing yellow," I tried to sound happy.

"Yes, I love yellow."

"I thought, green is your favorite color?"

"Yes, it is, but I love yellow, too. Yellow is my second favorite color."

"Since when?"

"Since I met you."

"How many plaid shirts do you have?"

"I don't know. A lot."

We went for dinner to a nice, but pricey restaurant, and later we went to a nightclub. That was something we had been planning for days. We danced and drank cocktails all evening. We returned to our room after midnight, a little drunk. And everything was as it was before. Or almost everything.

"Tom, I'm all yours. Do whatever you want with me."

I couldn't believe the words I said, but I didn't regret it. Tom said nothing. He took me so gently in his arms, as if I were made of glass, and as if he was afraid that he might break me. While we were making love, Tom looked me straight into my eyes. I didn't care about who he was thinking of, me or the girl who broke his heart. I've decided to learn to enjoy the moment. At that moment, I was happy, and at that moment, I was in Tom's warm embrace. What else could I wish for?