Sand Castle: Chapter 11

October 2013,

In the first couple of months after I met Tom, I was afraid we could never be together again. It seemed impossible. He has his life in New York, and my life is here, in Croatia, where my family and friends are. I tried everything to get him out of my head and to forget him, but nothing helped. My heart is like a broken compass, and it shows me only one direction. My love is not a passing thing, and it won't fade away. Distance means absolutely nothing when someone loves as much as I love him. I love him more than anything in the whole world. He is a love that happens only once in a lifetime, and my life could never be complete without him.

I can't spend the rest of my life sitting here, longing for him, and doing nothing. I can't give up on him. Like a lioness, I'll fight for his love. I must do something, and I must do it fast. If I don't do something, I know I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

A month ago, I was at the Embassy of the United States to get informed about the type of visa I would need to go to America, and I've decided to continue my education in New York. That's the only way I can stay in America for a longer period. I know it won't be easy, but I must try. Everything is easier than being thousands of miles away from Tom.

I spent the entire month analyzing the brochures they gave me in the Embassy about the educational system in America and searching for a college I could attend. The entire process of college admissions is too long. I need to take TOEFL, to fill the applications, to pass the audition, to find the money for tuition…

I don't want to be a second longer separated from Tom, but if I have to wait for another year to see him, I'll wait patiently. What is another year when we are so young, and we have our whole lives in front of us? For Tom, I am ready to leave my family, my friends, and my country. For him, I am ready to throw away everything I have achieved in my life by now. I know it's not much, but it's still something, and I am ready to start from zero.

Next week I'll take my TOEFL test, and I hope I'll pass it. Then, I'll need just one college to accept me. I am aware that the audition in New York won't be as easy as it was in Zagreb. New York colleges have much higher standards, but I'll give my best. The hardest part is to find the money for tuition and to talk to my parents. I know in advance that they won't support me.

I can work tirelessly, but I could never earn money for tuition in one year. And with my grades in college, as they are at the moment, I can't even think about getting a scholarship. I must find another way. My grandparents have left me their house and a vineyard, and if I sell them, I hope it will be enough for my college tuition. They both are dead, they won't mind, and I'm sure they would like to see me happy.

"Next year, I want to go to college in New York," I said to my parents one quiet evening after we had dinner.

"What?" my mother screamed, and she dropped the plate on the kitchen floor.

"Do you believe in New York something will be better? You'll have an easier program, and you'll easily pass your exams?" my father asked me.

"Everything will be better in New York," I said.

"Nina, you are a very smart young woman, but we don't understand what is going on with you lately. In high school, your excuse for your poor grades was that nobody understands your passion for acting, but what excuse do you have for this year?" my father asked me angrily.

"Your father has a right. Last year you passed your exams at college only thanks to your enormous talent, but your professors were clear: if you don't take the college seriously, you risk being expelled. Your talent won't be enough to help you this year, Nina," my mother said.

"There is no better place in the whole world than New York for studying as an actor. In New York, there are so many theatres..."

"The lack of theatres in our town is a reason for your horrible results at college last year?" my father lost his patience.

"Please try to understand me! I must go to New York! Your job as my parents is to support me and help me."

"We are supporting you, we always have, and we always will, but you don't sound reasonable," my mother said.

"Nina, do you know how much it costs for the education in America?" my father asked me.

"I know. That's why I'm asking you to help me."

"We don't have that much money, and if we do, going to America is out of question," he said.

"You have everything you need here, Nina. Going to The College of Performing Arts was your dream, but now when you have it, you've realized that you want something else. If you had excellent grades, we would believe you that you were serious about moving to New York, but now you're not very convincing. Do you remember? Not so long ago, you were going to the theatre every evening. You were practically living there, and now I can't remember when you last saw a theatre play. And last month, you didn't show up for an audition for a movie. It was a leading role, and you let that girl from your class get it. I forgot her name... She doesn't have one percent of your talent. Nina, what is going on with you?" my mother asked me worriedly.

If only I could tell them the whole truth. If only I could tell them what happened to me last summer, and if only I could tell them about Tom. I haven't told anyone about him. He is my secret, but sometimes I want to scream his name loudly from the rooftops. If I tell my parents that the only reason I want to go to New York is a guy, a guy I'm not sure that he'll ever return my feelings, I'm afraid they will put me into a mental institution. I don't know, probably I belong there.

My parents, like everyone else, think that I'm taking drugs or I'm ill. I heard them talking about me last week. Well, this love, in a way, is like a drug, or a disease. Tom is like a drug that is running through my bloodstream, and I have him in my blood for the next million years. If he doesn't return my love, I will surely die.

"Nina, forget about your silly idea, forget about New York, and try to focus on your studies," my father said briefly.

"If you think that college is not for you, and if you don't want to be an actress anymore, it's all right. Quit your studies and come to work in my shop," my mother suggested.

"What? But, mum, have you forgotten? The theatre is my love and my whole life," I said with tears.

"No, I haven't forgotten. But have you?" my mother asked me.

"If the theatre is still your love, Nina, then you should fight with all your forces for your love. If you stop fighting for your love, you'll lose it, and you'll never have it back," my father said, and that was the end of our conversation.

This is what I was afraid of. My parents won't help me. Of course, I still love the theatre. The theatre is my first love, and I can't imagine doing anything else but acting in my life. But in the meantime, I discovered a different kind of love. Before I met Tom, I never thought that I could ever love someone or something, more that I love the theatre. Before Tom, love was just a word, and he showed me what it really means. Tom completely changed me. He makes me a better person, and everything good in me exists thanks to him. This separation from Tom, I want to believe, is just temporary. I don't think that life could be so cruel to someone like me, who loves with an innocent heart.

Even I surprised myself with what I'm ready to do for love. In the books, the movies, and the songs, people do crazy things for love, but I always thought that was just fiction. Now I'm sure that the authors must have someone to inspire them to write about love, and they must have a muse. They must have felt what love is, and they must have loved someone as I love Tom.

This distance that separates me from Tom is so cruel, like the world we live in. A world with so many rules, with different countries, with borders, visas… If I could travel free, I would travel to New York every time I could. But I can't, because I need a visa. I wanted to have my audition for college in New York and see Tom for a few days, but my application for a visa was rejected. And getting a tourist visa is even more difficult.

For seeing Tom's smile, for a touch of his hand, for a kiss on my cheek, for a long walk in a park, for a short conversation about irrelevant things, for losing myself in his embrace, there is no distance I wouldn't cross. He is an eleven-hour flight away from me, but I can't see him because of these stupid rules that separate people like us.