Sand Castle: Chapter 14

May 2013

Since last year, at least once a week, Tom had a routine of sending me an email, a weekly journal, as he liked to joke, informing me about everything that had happened in New York in the past week, and telling me what was going on in his life. Last month, he broke his rule, and he left me for thirty long days without any news from him. I was consoling myself that he didn't have time to write to me because he was really busy. The recording of his album and the everyday rehearsals for his promotional tour were taking him too much time, but I was so wrong.

Last week, he broke the silence. He wrote me a brief email, and in just four sentences, he told me that next month he was going to be married. He and his fiancée are rushing with the wedding because she is pregnant. That is all he said, and since then he hasn't written.

I don't understand. Why he hasn't said something earlier to prepare me for what is coming? Tom is not stupid. He knew I loved him, and he knew that I'm going to New York just for him. Why he didn't tell me earlier that he is in a relationship and he is in love again? He always wanted to show off with his girlfriends. In the past year, almost every week, Tom was sending me pictures of him with pretty girls, but after I told him about my plans for moving to New York, he stopped, and he never mentioned another girl again. In his emails, since Christmas, he was constantly repeating to me how happy he is because he'll see me in September.

I'm so lost, and I don't know what to do. Should I still go to New York? I have no reason to go, but I can't stay at home either. I can't stand my parents' anger. They are barely talking to me since I sold my mother's heritage. This week, a few times, I called the people to whom I sold my grandparents' property, and I tried to convince them to sell me back the house and the vineyard, but they didn't want to hear about it. I even offered them more money than they paid me.

I sacrificed everything I had just to go to New York and be with Tom, but I did it in vain. I've ruined everything for someone who never loved me and someone who never deserved my love. I've lost my parents' unconditional love and trust, and I broke my mother's heart.

When I woke up this morning, the place in my chest where my heart used to be was empty. There is a hole under my ribs. I don't feel anything. There is no love, there is no pain, and there are no tears left to cry. I wonder where all the love I had in me is gone, and how it is possible something so strong to disappear in a heartbeat.

This morning I woke up in a different world, in a different life, and I don't know how I'm going to live the rest of it without Tom. A life without love, is it worth living? He was never mine, and I never touched his heart. All I ever had was hope that one day Tom could make a little room for me in some corner of his heart. Owning that small piece of his heart would make me feel as if I owned the entire Universe.

I will never write another email to Tom again. We can't be friends anymore. It's not possible. I don't want to see him or talk to him again. I should accept the fact that it is over. Every love story has a beginning and an end. Our love story began two years ago on a beach in Rimini, and it ended a week later, but I was a fool to see it. All I have left from Tom are the things I keep in my little wooden box and a broken heart.

In three weeks, Tom will be a married man. He will make a promise to his wife that he will love her for the rest of his life, and he should keep it. I wish him all the happiness in this world, and I hope he will grow old with his wife, surrounded by his children and grandchildren. If she loves him only one percent of how much I loved him, then he is a lucky man because he is truly loved.