Sand Castle: Chapter 17

The doorman was looking at me suspiciously, and I guess he wanted to call the police. For three hours, I was standing in front of Tom's building and waiting for him to come out, but I was not a hundred percent sure that this was the building where he lives. Every time the door opened, and someone was coming out of the building, I thought it was him, and my heart was beating like crazy. If it's necessary, I'll wait a whole day, and if I don't see him today, I'll come back tomorrow. I'll keep coming every day until I talk to him and find out the truth.

It was almost 10:30, and there was still no sign of Tom. But what if Tom was not in the building, or what if he slept somewhere else, or what if he left before I arrived? At 10:53, the door slowly opened, and this time it was Tom. I had spent the night thinking about what to say when I see him, but now I was just standing in front of him, wishing I could stop my tears and say something.

"You?" he said disbelieving.

"I love you from the first moment I met you on the beach, in Rimini. You are the only reason I came to New York, and you are the only reason I stayed. Time can't change the way I feel about you. After all these years, I'm still yours, Tom. Just yours. When you told me you were getting married, you broke my heart into a million pieces, and you turned it into dust. I tried everything to forget you, but nothing helped. My heart, my soul, my life, everything is yours."

There, I finally said the things I should have said a long time ago.

"Oh, Nina! I didn't get married, and I don't have a child!"

"What happened to them? I couldn't find anything about your family on the internet, as they don't exist."

"It's a long story, but I explained to you everything in my last emails. Didn't you get them?"

"I did, but I deleted them without reading them first, because I couldn't continue with pretending that I love you only as a friend when I loved you with all my existence. I still do."

"We need to talk. We can't talk on a street. Let's go somewhere else. Do you want to come upstairs, or do you want to go to the restaurant across the street?"

"It will be better if we go upstairs."

"Yes, you're right."

Tom lives on the 34th floor. We haven't said a word in the elevator. He spoke only to tell me in which direction his apartment was when we arrived on his floor.

I was still unaware that I was with him. I was afraid that this was just a dream, and I dreamt I was sitting next to him on the couch in his living room, and we were looking at each other for a few minutes in silence.

"I can't believe that you're here, in my apartment," he spoke first.

"Me too. I probably wouldn't be here if my best friend Paula hadn't played me your new song yesterday. You know Paula, the girl who will be in your video..."

"Yeah! I met her yesterday. She's a nice girl."

"She is the best... When I heard your voice, when I heard the song, for a moment I thought, this song, what if it's written for me... Later, after Paula left, for the first time in my life, I heard the songs from your album "The Ocean Between Us" and... I started to wonder, am I crazy? Are these songs real, or am I hearing them only in my head? Am I the girl from these songs?"

"No, you're not! Sorry to disappoint you. Every summer I go to Rimini, I stay in the same hotel, in the same room where we spent our first night together, and every summer I pick a girl with brown eyes like yours, on the same beach where I picked you. And there is another rule: the girl's name must be Nina. Oh, God! Nina, of course you are the girl who inspired me to write all my new songs!"

"Wait a minute, first tell me what happened to your wife and your child."

"I've already told you, there is no wife, and there is no child... I knew Jennifer from high school. One evening, "accidentally" she met me in a bar. That was after I signed a contract to record an album, and everyone was predicting me a bright future in the music industry. Then, I was still with my band. So, she came to me, offered me a drink, and one drink after another, soon I was drunk. The next morning, I couldn't remember a single thing from the previous night, but I'm sure that I've never touched her. A month later, she called me and told me that she was pregnant with my child. The same day she went to my parents' restaurant, she told them the same story, and my parents believed her. They've told me, for once in my life, that I should be a man. I should take responsibility for my actions and do the right thing. They've pushed me really hard to marry her. At that moment, my whole world crashed. I had a contract to record an album. I thought I could make a decent living from my music, and the most important thing to me, you were coming to New York. Luckily, two weeks before the wedding, the baby's real father showed up. The people found out that she was already two months pregnant when she met me that night in the bar, and I had never in my life had sex with her. I don't know what she was thinking? That she will trick me with someone else's child, and no one will ever find out after the baby is born that it wasn't mine? Sometimes I am naive, but I'm not an idiot. All she saw in me was a young, promising musician who would provide a good life for her and her baby after her boyfriend dumped her. Since that night in the bar, I've never touched alcohol in my life again, and I quit smoking when you told me that you'd come to New York."

"Until yesterday, I believed you are happily married. But Paula told me you are single, then Google said the same, and I didn't know what to believe. That's why I came here today, to talk to you and find out the truth."

"If you have read my emails, you would know the whole truth a long time ago."

"I'm sorry, but I couldn't. I thought, in your emails, you're writing to me about your happy life, and you're sending me pictures of your wedding..."

"In my last emails, I've told you how I feel about you. Because you never wrote me back, I thought that you don't feel the same way about me, and you don't want to continue with what we have started in Italy. I was sure that you were coming to New York to build a career, and you didn't need a loser like me..."

The ringing of his cell phone interrupted him to finish the sentence. He took the phone from the pocket of his jacket to see who was calling him.

"I'm sorry, it's my manager. I have to take this call."

"Go ahead!"

"Hello?... I'm sorry, something important came up... No, no, everything is fine... Please cancel everything for today... I can't talk to you right now... I'll call you later..." Tom finished the conversation quickly.

"Do you need to be somewhere else?"

"Yeah! I was on the way to the studio. It doesn't matter..."

"I'll go and I'll return some other time when you'll have time for me. I don't want to distract you from your job..."

"Nina, I've been waiting for this moment for six years!"

"Are you sure?"

"Nothing in this world is more important to me than you. You are my love, my muse, and everything I've done in my life, I did it for you! There is no one but you in my heart!"

He was looking me straight in the eyes while he said that, and I knew he was telling me the truth.

"Are you in a relationship at the moment?"

"Um... No," he said after a few moments.

"That means yes..."

"No, Nina! A few months ago, I met a girl, but it's nothing serious..."

"Tom, it's okay. You are a living human being, and you have your needs. It's okay. I'm just asking because if you are in a serious relationship with someone you love, then I should leave you alone."

"I never stopped loving you."

"When you told me that you were getting married and you will have a baby, I had no reason to come to New York, but I couldn't stay at home either. To find the money for my college tuition, I sold my grandparents' property..."

"You did what?"

"My parents are still angry at me, and they will never forgive me. My grandparents' house and the vineyard were my mother's heritage. I feel bad for what I did, but I had no other choice. Where else could I find that much money? Everything I did, I did it just to be with you..."

"Why you haven't told me any of this?"

"How could I? I wasn't sure if you were feeling something for me. I was afraid that if I told you I loved you, you would stop writing and I would lose your friendship. At least I had you as a friend in my life... Hey, why have you never told me that you are in love with me? Why are you blaming me?"

"I'm not blaming you for anything, Nina. We both are equally guilty."

"You're right. We've ruined each other's lives because we couldn't say three little words."

"Yeah, but at the same time, these three little words are the biggest words in the whole world. Saying to someone, "I love you" is not always easy, especially if you are like me, a man with zero self-confidence. You are so smart, so beautiful, so talented, you have a college degree, you speak I don't know how many languages, you are so sophisticated, while I am everything opposite of you. All the time, I'm wondering why in the first place, you decided to have anything to do with me. When I was on the bus to Rome, I was getting up from my seat every five minutes. I wanted to tell the bus driver to stop the bus, and I wanted to come back to you to tell you that I love you. The other passengers were feeling uncomfortable about traveling with me. They were afraid that I was a terrorist or something..."

"I wanted to run after the bus to tell you the same."

"When I returned home, I started to write new songs, and I wanted to tell you through my songs how I feel about you. Sometimes I think if I had more time with you, if I stayed one more day, maybe I would find the courage to admit that I love you, but I couldn't afford to stay another day in Italy."

"I know, because of the job and the rehearsals with your band."

"No Nina, I couldn't stay because I didn't have money. If I stayed one more day, I wouldn't have money to return home. When I met you, my parents were worried about my future. Their friends' children and my classmates from high school were studying to be doctors or architects, and they were running their own companies... and I, for a year, returned to live with my parents because I couldn't afford to pay my rent. Then, they gave me an ultimatum: if I don't start making real money from my music in the next six months, I should end my music career and start working in their restaurant full time. When you told me that you were coming to New York, at the same time, I was both happy and scared. I was afraid when you'd see how and where I live, you'd run away from me, and I'd never see you again…"

"If we were having this conversation in your old apartment, and if today you were poor like you were then, I would still love you the same. Today I'm not here because you are rich and famous and you're living your dreams. I'm here because I strongly believe that you are still the young man I fell in love with six years ago."

"My grandmother paid for my vacation in Italy, and I will always be grateful to her because that trip is the best thing that happened to me. That trip changed me and my entire life."

"You should have told me that you didn't have money."

"I was feeling embarrassed. Women want men who can provide them with financial security in their lives. At that point in my life, I couldn't give you anything. Do you remember that you invited me to visit Croatia the next summer?"

"Yes."

"I wanted to come more than anything else, I wanted to see you so bad, but I couldn't because I didn't have money."

"Tom, if you told me that you wanted to see me and the money was the only problem, we could find a solution. I couldn't get a visa to come to the United States. I tried to come to New York to have my audition for college here instead of sending them a video, but my request for a visa was rejected. But, you could have come to Europe. I could find the money. I could sell the jewelry my parents were giving me for my birthdays or every year for Christmas, I could work in my mum's shoe shop, I could skip my lunches and save the money my parents were giving me every day for lunch while I was at college in Zagreb… I could save enough money to pay for the entire vacation, including your ticket. We could be happy for a month, or a week, in some cheap room, in some cheap European country. If only you told me that you wanted to see me."

"You were ready to do that for me?"

"There is nothing I wouldn't do for you. I love you more than I can say."

"When we got home, why didn't you say anything about that week in Rimini, or that you missed me, or anything about us? In your emails, you were talking only about theatre, college, and stuff like that."

"And why in your emails you were sending me pictures of your new girlfriends?"

"The girls in the pictures were my cousins and my friends. They were not my girlfriends. I just wanted you to think that..."

"Seriously?"

"I know. I've proved you many times by now that I'm a complete moron. I was convinced that you didn't love me at all. Once in Italy, you told me that all your friends had sex before you, and being a virgin at eighteen was sort of a tragedy for you. I assumed you used me to solve your "problem," and you won't have to see me again. I pretended that I moved on with my life after you. If I was just a summer love for you, then you were the same for me. Plus, you told me that you are married to the theatre, and there is no place for another love in your life. That's exactly what you said."

"Yes, I remember, and at the same moment when I said these words, I regretted. That was after you told me you couldn't love anyone else but your ex-girlfriend, who looks like me."

"I was a complete idiot. From the start, I knew I loved you and you'll be the one I love for the rest of my life. I've told you that I love you in my last email, and I can prove it to you. Do you want to read now the emails you've deleted?"

"Do you still keep them?"

"I keep everything related to you."

He got up from the couch and he went to one of the rooms in his apartment. He returned with the printed versions of the last emails he sent me. I started to read fast. In his emails, he was honest, and he wrote all the things he told me today. In the last email, he told me that he loves me, and when I come to New York, he wants to continue with what we started in Italy. When I read that, I started to cry.

"Nina, please don't cry. Your tears are breaking my heart."

"What have I done, Tom? We could have been happy."

"Who knows? Maybe it was meant to be this way."

"If Paula hadn't made me hear your song yesterday, I wouldn't be here today, and I would never have found out that you love me... or that you loved me."

"It wasn't easy to convince my record label to hire Paula for the video. They wanted to take some famous actress or a model, but I know that she is your best friend, and I thought if not for me, you'll see the video for her, and you'll recognize yourself in my song. I wanted to tell you for a last time how much I love you before you get married."

"How do you know all these things about me?"

"Do you remember that small café across the street from your college?"

"Yes."

"When I wasn't on tour or out of town, every day I was sitting there just to see you. I was watching you every day when you came to college. And every day, you were with Paula. Then I didn't know her name, but I soon found out. Anyway, I wanted to approach you, but because you never answered my emails, and you never contacted me after you came to New York, I was convinced you didn't want to have anything to do with me. One day, a couple of months before you graduated, I finally found the courage to talk to you. When I saw you, I got up from my table. I was planning to pretend like I'm just passing by your college and I accidentally run into you... But your fiancé, then your boyfriend, came with his car. You kissed him, and I've realized you are happily in love with him, and you have forgotten me..."

"That's not true. I hate him from the bottom of my soul."

"Then why are you with him?"

"I don't have a choice, Tom. I came to America with a student visa, and after my graduation, my visa has expired. For some unknown reason, I wanted to be close to you. I wanted to stay in New York, even though I was sure I'd never have you. I've applied for a scholarship for graduate studies, but I was refused. I tried to find a job, but I couldn't find anything I could do. For only two hours, I was working as a waitress, and in two hours I broke three glasses and four plates. They fired me before I burned down the whole place. Then, I found a job as a cashier, but I was counting the money too slow. I swear I've tried everything, but I couldn't find another way to stay."

"Nina, I trust you! I understand! You're not the only one who's facing this problem."

"He was my only chance. I swear, if there was another way, I would have never agreed to be with the man I can't stand. I don't love him, and he doesn't love me. He sleeps with every woman he'll meet. A fortunate circumstance is that he is never at home, and I don't have to watch him every day."

"I wanted to ask you about him since I saw you downstairs, but I was afraid of your answer. I was afraid you'd tell me that you love him, the way you never loved me."

"If I loved him, I wouldn't be here with you today."

"I thought I knew everything about you, but I had no idea of any of this."

"Nobody knows. I haven't told anyone a single word about this nightmare I live in, not even to my parents. Paula also doesn't know. I haven't told her yet that I gave up on acting because he asked me to do it. I don't know how to tell her. Please don't tell her anything. Please, I'm begging you..."

"I won't. I promise. Did he ever hurt you, I mean physically?"

"No, never! I think he's not capable of doing that. He is not a bad person, he is good to me, and his only floss is that he is immature. I depend on him, financially and in any other way. If I don't play by his rules, I'll be deported to Croatia."

"I'll never for the rest of my life forgive myself. It's all my fault."

"For you, I would take everything."

"You're living in hell because of me."

"Tom, please tell me honestly, can we try again to have what we had in Italy? Can we have a new start from here?"

"Yes! Yes, Nina! At least we should try!"

"Then my nightmare stops here! I will leave him today! Now that I know that you love me, I don't care for anything!"

"You are not alone. You have me, and we'll find a way for you to stay in America. I'll help you, Nina! I promise! I'll do everything to keep you in New York."

"But what if I get deported?"

"Then we'll move to Canada, or England, or Italy, or Croatia. I liked your country very much when I visited it last winter. I wouldn't mind if I live there."

"Are you serious?"

"Yes, I'm serious! I can write songs everywhere. You and my piano are all I need in my life."

With Tom, we spent the entire day talking about the past six years and the unforgettable week we had in Rimini. We concluded that we were such fools. We've lost so many days and so many nights. If we were honest from the beginning, if we had revealed our feelings to each other while we were still in Italy, maybe everything would be different now. If I had read his last four emails, if I wasn't trying with all my force to forget him, if I wasn't such a coward, and if I had heard only one of his songs earlier, I would have known that his heart, all this time, was just mine.